If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, you would know what trauma bonds are. Here’s a complete guide on how to break trauma bonding and truly heal in your life.
Trauma bonding is the new buzzword of the Internet. If you open your TikTok, you’ll find at least five videos of people describing how they are trauma bonding with their coworkers because they live through the same horrible working conditions.
However, trauma bonding has nothing to do with you and your coworker surviving a terrible boss. To say that “we are in a trauma-bonded relationship” might sound like an apt way of describing your relationship with your coworker. However, working for 14 hours a day for a garbage salary at the end of the month is not what trauma bonding signifies.
However, if you’ve been using the term the wrong way, it’s okay. You are not alone. Internet and mainstream media provide a very dishonest perspective of what mental health terms actually mean.
So what is trauma bonding really?
Well, we have got you covered. In this blog post, we will dive deeper into what trauma bonds are and how they affect people. We will also learn tips on how to break trauma bonding successfully. Let’s dive in.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is characterized by an emotional attachment or relationship between a person and their abuser. This relationship develops through a series of unhealthy activities and behavioral patterns like positive reinforcement (like being shown signs of affection or love), gaslighting, manipulation, and so on.
While the signs of trauma bonding can occur in any relationship, they are most common in abusive romantic relationships. The differentiating factor between trauma bonds and abusive bonds is how they make the affected person feel. Trauma bonds are characterized by the high emotions that come after the bad. They are intoxicated and addicted to high, which makes them stuck in a cycle of systemic and vicious abuse.
In practice, trauma bonding can seem like a cycle of walking on eggshells while trying not to do anything to put your partner off, followed by physical, mental, or emotional abuse and a love bombing period where everything feels perfect.
What Are The Signs Of Trauma Bonding?
To learn how to break trauma bonding and move on, you need to first realize the signs of trauma-bonded relationships.
Now, here’s the tough part – a trauma-bonding relationship can occur so subtly that the person going through it might not even realize that their partner’s behavior is toxic.
To help you understand whether you are in a trauma-bonded relationship, here are the most common signs of toxic relationships that you need to watch out for:
- You look past your partner’s mistake for the allure of your good times.
- You feel suffocated by their affection.
- You make excuses for their behaviors.
- You can’t leave them even if you want to.
- You feel drained in your relationship and avoid communication.
- You cannot be your true self around them.
- You have lost your friends and loved ones due to your relationship.
- You are emotionally dependent on them for love and validation.
What Are The 7 Stages Of Trauma Bonding?
Trauma bonding is a complex situation that arises from the skewed power dynamics of abusive relationships. While everyone has their own struggle, most trauma-bonded relationships follow a pattern.
Understanding this pattern or the seven stages of trauma bonding can help you identify the indicators of abuse in your relationship. It’s one of the most critical steps in learning how to recover from a trauma bond.
Here are the seven stages of trauma bonding:
1. Gaslighting: Gaslighting is the stage of trauma-bonded relationships where the abuser makes the affected individual doubt their perception and beliefs. It is a form of psychological manipulation.
2. Love bombing: Love bombing is the stage where the abuser showers their partner with love, affection, and validation. The emotions are so overwhelming that they often make the affected individual feel suffocated. The intention is to build a vicious cycle of dependency.
3. Emotional addiction: After the love bombing comes emotional addiction. At this stage, the highs and lows of the abusive relationships become addictive to the affected individual. This leads to the consolidation of dependency.
4. Criticism: This is the stage of trauma bonding where the abuser blames their partner for things that are their own fault. It makes the affected individual feel guilty.
5. Loss of self: At this stage, the affected individual becomes so exhausted in a trauma bond that they start losing a sense of self. They lose their friends and the ability to socialize and become secluded and alone.
6. Dependency and trust: At this point, the abuser tries to solidify the codependency by winning their partner’s trust. Here, they try making their partner feel that they will never be able to learn how to break trauma bonding and won’t be able to survive without the abuser.
7. Giving into the abuse: In the final stages of trauma bonding, the affected individual is so exhausted that they start giving in to the abuser’s wishes. From here, it gets challenging for them to walk out.
How Do You Break A Trauma Bond?
If you are in a trauma-bonded relationship, it might feel that it’s impossible to break free of it. However, that’s not the case. While everyone’s situation is different, there’s a lot you can do to break your trauma-bonded relationship and recover effectively.
Here are the most effective and non-intimidating tips on how to break trauma bonding. Let’s dive in.
1. Recognize the signs of abuse.
The first step in learning how to break a trauma bond is to accept that abuse is happening.
Some forms of abuse are clearer to spot than others (for instance, abuse involving physical contact). Unfortunately, that’s not the case with the rest (for instance, gaslighting).
This is why one of the most essential tips on how to recover from a trauma bond is to understand that their multiple types of non-physical abuse. These include:
- verbal abuse,
- emotional abuse,
- economic abuse, and
- identity abuse.
Spotting the signs of these forms of abuse is one of the first steps in learning how to cope with trauma bonding.
2. Have a safety plan.
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, you must look out for your safety. It’s advised to only leave when you have secured your safety. This means having a safe alternative to reside in and a healthy support system of someone you can trust.
This is one of the most important parts of learning how to break trauma bonding. And while it sounds difficult, you don’t really have to go through it alone. You can reach out to helplines like the National Domestic Violence Support Hotline and Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline for assistance.
3. Focus on your truth.
Your abusive partner might try to gaslight you or manipulate you into believing that everything is alright. Therefore, it’s essential to focus on your truth and not give in to manipulation or positive reinforcement.
Additionally, it’s essential not to deter from your resolution of breaking the trauma bond due to the highs you get in your relationship. One of the most crucial tips on how to break trauma bonding and move on is to focus on the current situation rather than the good times you might have spent with your abuser.
4. Talk to people you can trust.
Talking about abuse can be extremely tough. It might make you feel ashamed and weak. However, breaking your silence and having a non-judgmental conversation with people you can trust is essential.
However, if you are in an abusive relationship currently, make sure you look out for your safety while connecting to someone. Be discrete about the phone calls, and delete your browsing history when you’re done.
5. Get out of the relationship and cut off contact.
Once you have your safety plan in place, it’s time to move out.
This is one of the most difficult yet important tips on how to break trauma bonding. Even though your heart might tell you to give them one more chance, please understand that your safety and well-being should be your top priority. And anyone wanting to threaten that does not love and respect you.
Therefore, whenever you get the chance, leave. And maintain a no-contact policy with your abuser. Do not engage in any form of communication with them. This will help you effectively detach from the cycle of abuse you’ve been through.
6. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.
Abusive relationships can significantly affect your self-esteem. They can make you feel ashamed. You might start looking at yourself from the perspective of your abuser or might blame your situation on yourself completely.
This is why it’s essential to practice self-compassion. Whatever happened to you was not your fault. Your choice to walk away and safeguard yourself shows how strong you are. Now it’s time to focus on self-care and build a healthy relationship with yourself first.
7. Get professional help.
The final and most important tip on how to break trauma bonding is to actively reach out for professional help.
Being in an abusive relationship can take a toll on your life in more ways than you can imagine. It can force you into unhealthy coping mechanisms or even more abusive relationships in the future. It can significantly affect your sense of self.
A therapist or mental health professional can help you identify these problematic signs, chalk out your triggers, and help you build effective coping mechanisms.
Conclusion:
There should be no justification for any form of abuse.
You might think that your abuser is treating you a certain way because of something you did or didn’t do, but it’s essential to understand that nothing you do can warrant abuse. Learning how to break trauma bonding can seem tough. However, understanding these signs of abuse is the first step. We hope this blog post will help you take further steps in the right direction.
If you have been through abusive relationships, working with a mental health professional is highly beneficial. Access to mental health therapy has become easier with the advent of online therapy platforms. To learn more about the most affordable online therapy platforms, click here.
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